


Ashes & Regrets ( can't bring him back )

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 15:54:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18705520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “One regret can’t change an entire life, it doesn’t change who you are.”“Of course it can, one person in your life, one decision, one sentence has the power to change you forever.”“One sentence…”“Yeah, that’s right, like I love you, or I made a mistake and I should have told you, or he's never coming back.”





	Ashes & Regrets ( can't bring him back )

There was only one thing that Tony Stark knows with absolute certainty, it was in the way that his blood thrums blissful and burning whenever Steve Rogers was around, in the way that his eyes automatically follow the gaze of those azure orbs even for just a few fleeting moments, in the way that his ears would automatically hear the laughter that spills out of those lips no matter how focused he is, in the way that he aches in his yearning for him in a way he never did before, it was the fact that he loves Steve Rogers more than anything he ever loved and probably will ever love.

They would say that Tony Stark died a hero because he saved the universe, what they don't know is that Tony Stark died a selfish man. He didn't die to save the universe. He died to save Steve Rogers, to save the laughter that always sounds like melody to his ears, to save that fond yet extremely exasperated smile that was always thrown his way, to save those eyes that never failed to look at him with such fondness even if his words long stopped making sense, there are worse ways to go anyway.

So die for him is what he did.

It was worth it.

-

Steve froze on his spot, unable to move, unable to even take a step forward, Thanos and his army started turning into ashes around him, disintegrating and drifting to the wind but that's not whom he is paying attention to. All his focus was solely trained on the man who sacrificed himself to save the universe, the universe that was never kind to him. Tony Stark gave his life for it and isn't that just unfair?

Rhodey was the first to reach him, fingers covered in the gauntlet that brought such violence was now running through his ashen locks with such softness that it felt like a goodbye. _( because it is, they all know it is. )_  
Peter, the kid that Tony lost but was now found, was now there, crying his eyes out while shouting that they did it, they won, Thanos is defeated. _( but at what cost? )_  
Pepper was smoothing the hair away from his features, smiling through the sobs that threatened to spill out of her lips, telling him that they're okay now and that he can rest. _( Them? Oh God, Morgan, Tony's kid will grow up without a father. )_

_( Just another one to add on to his pile of mistakes, he's the reason that an innocent child will now grow up without a father. )_

They deserve to be there, right by his side, they deserve to cry and mourn for him, they love Tony and Tony loved them back. He knows he doesn’t have Tony’s love returned but he cries anyway, for the what could have been’s if he was only brave enough. They won but nobody was cheering, not a smile or hint of joy in their faces, they were all mourning.

All that was running through his mind was the thought that the worst thing in the world was leaving Tony in Siberia.  
Armor torn, body bruised black and blue _( because of him )_ , helmet gone, arc reactor dimming and turning darker with each passing second but still managing to flicker back.  
He walked away without even turning back despite how everything inside him was screaming for him to turn back, to beg for forgiveness, for a second chance.  
But he didn't. God, he didn't, he was such a fool, an ignorant fool.  
This? This is worse. It makes Siberia feel like a child’s play with how cold Tony’s body is, as if he can feel it despite being several feet away ( maybe he does, maybe the coldness of Tony's dying body was also seeping through his bones just like how the cold in the Arctic drowned him, enveloping him in ice, but the difference right now is that his body is warm but his heart is cold. ) because he’s dead and Steve will never have the chance to tell him that he loves him more than anything anymore.

He knows that they have to carry the body, he can’t let the corpse- no, Tony, not corpse, just Tony, to stay still for so long because prying the armor away from his dead body will be difficult once rigor mortis has set in.  
_( More like, he wouldn't be able to handle it when Tony's slowly stiffening body turns cold, turns more into a corpse. )_  
Dropping on his knees right beside Tony **( corpse, his mind hisses )** , he tried searching for the manual locks but to no avail, it’s of nanotechnology and only Tony **( corpse! )** and FRIDAY can get rid of it.

“FRIDAY-”

Not even letting him to finish his sentence, FRIDAY immediately asked for a password, a code, Steve doesn’t know but a part of him hopes and dreads the possibility of the combination.

He punched the code with usual steady fingers shaking.

07041918.

His birthday.

Oh, Tony. Oh, Tony.

-

Morgan has been told stories about Captain America ever since she can remember, a day never went by without her scrambling to perch herself above her dad’s lap and demand another story about the Captain and demand the same thing once it's time for her bedtime story. She likes Captain America because he is a hero, just like her daddy is.

That’s why the moment she saw him at daddy’s funeral where people tell her that he’s never coming back which means he will never tuck her in bed again, never to sneak her juice pops in the middle of the night, never needing to be saved, she ran up to him. A tiny hand reached out to grasp the hem of his shirt, giving it a tug as a silent request for him to bend down to her level and he did, how nice of him, he really is a hero just like daddy says. Letting her palm tap his cheek softly, the same way she does for daddy whenever he had one of those nights where he can't sleep and instead stays up all night doing "shit", she looped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace before asking softly if he can bring her daddy back since he's a hero and that's what heroes do, right?


End file.
